


The Adventures of Volly Wooster, or Jeeves and the Joys and Sorrows of Parenthood

by Cohava



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Jeeves & Wooster, Jeeves - P. G. Wodehouse
Genre: Adoption, Alternate Timeline, Bertie adopts a young Tom Riddle, Found Family, Jooster, M/M, Volly Wooster, bertiespeak smut, eventually, it works out, what if, yep
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-23
Updated: 2019-10-23
Packaged: 2020-12-29 00:23:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21145679
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cohava/pseuds/Cohava
Summary: “Jeeves,” I said one morning, lounging lazily between the sheets and sipping on my cup of tea like one of those classical chappies with the grapes and the drapes all over them, “I am getting a bit worried about Volly.”“Indeed, sir?”“Jeeves, I think I have told you in more than one occasion than, when one is talking about a Serious Matter, one doesn’t like said S.M. to be easily dismissed by a tepid, detached ‘Indeed, sir?’”“You have, sir.”“Well, correct it at once! Now, as I was saying, I’m not altogether sanguine about this new fixation of Volly’s on snakes.”





	The Adventures of Volly Wooster, or Jeeves and the Joys and Sorrows of Parenthood

My affectionate readers might remember that I once harboured dreams of being a father, of dangling a happy little girl on my knee, telling her about that time when Oofy, Barmy and I got intoxicated and set fire to the Drones' pool room as a bed-time story, and so forth. Those dreams, if you remember, were jolly well dashed when Jeeves, in his infinite wisdom, arranged for me to be exposed to a cluster of Young Girls in their natural habitat, as it were, which purged from my mind any inclination towards the pitter-patter of tiny feet. However, there comes a time in the life of a man when he realises is no longer the dashing young gentleman gallivanting through town with his chums; rather, he finds his pleasures behind the closed doors of his home, in the company of his beloved. 

At this time of my life, my thoughts turned once more to the joys of having little ones around, if only to provide the necessary amount of chaos and excitement required to keep Jeeves's enormous brain from growing bored, now that most of my pals had gotten married and were thus far less creative in their shenaningans. The good man himself agreed with me that it was time for us to welcome a new addition to the Wooster household—between you and me, he had been keenly feeling the absence of a little one to take care of, ever since that unfortunate incident with our cat and the motorcar.

Now, having gotten so far in the narrative, the more observant among you will notice a small but significant obstacle to this project; i.e. that, whilst most of my peers, as I have observed earlier, had gone the matrimonial way and found themselves some girl to settle down with, I had made the wise decision never to part from Jeeves, thus leading to a secretive but highly enjoyable affair de coeur with the world's most remarkable valet. Jeeves is, as everyone should know, a marvel and a paragon and an absolutely corking chap, and I never had any reason to regret handing him my heart as well as my cupboard's keys (well, with the possible exception of the time when he callously destroyed a certain waistcoat I held dear to my heart; but he did thoroughly apologise to me, so I shall not mention the accident anymore, unless I want him to do the thingummy with the Swiss chocolate again).

However, even a genius such as Jeeves does not, as the brainiest readers will have spotted, the ability to produce nippers with another man. It naturally follows that we had to find another method of acquiring one of our own.

Well! How does one go about procuring a kid? My aunts would tell you that the only way to do it is to get properly shackled to a woman, but Tchah! I scoffed in the face of such suggestions. I was sure that there had to be some more clever method, one that didn’t involve women or shackling of any kind; and by Jove, I was right. I put the thing to Jeeves, and he immediately hit the matter squarely on the nose.

“My suggestion, sir,” he said, for he still calls me ‘sir’ even in private, to avoid confusion. It would be quite strange for me to respond to ‘Darling Bertie’ one minute and ‘Mr Wooster’ the next, what? “Is to find a respectable establishment which takes care of the less fortunate, and if one of the young orphans should result agreeable, you could offer to adopt him.”

See? See what I mean? That’s the genuine stuff. I told my man so: “That’s the genuine stuff, Jeeves!” The whole operation sounded just the thing to me.

“I say, Jeeves,” I I-said, “This whole operation does sound even more efficient than the usual way, what?”

“Indeed, there are certain advantages, sir.”

“I mean to say, normally people have to go through it all—the wedding night, which in my opinion is in itself the stuff of nightmares…”

“It does not bear thinking about it, sir.”

“Quite. Well, some girls are not bad, I should say, but suppose you’d had the misfortune to end up with a Florence Craye, or a Madeline Bassett?”

“Certainly I can’t imagine any pleasure in such a night, sir, regardless of one’s general preferences in the bedroom.”

“Quite right, quite right. And even if the blushing bride is a fairly decent egg, what of it, Jeeves? You’d still have to wait for months for the sprog to pop out in the great open spaces, and years after that before you can even teach them a simple jolly tune, or take them anywhere. It sounds all very unpractical, what?”

“Indeed, sir. And there’s another advantage which makes adoption a more desirable option, in my opinion.”

“Oh, really? Well, jolly good, Jeeves. Have at it.”

“It has occurred to me, sir, that when one has a child in what you have termed ‘the usual way’, the parents unfortunately do not have a say in how the young person in question will turn out to be. Certainly with the help a rigorous education and the application to the psychology of the individual it is possible to exercise some control over their offsprings’ behaviour, but their nature might still not be an agreeable one.”

“Good Lord! I didn’t even think of that! You mean I could have been saddled with one of those vile brats like that young menace, Seabury, or even worse, Edwin?”

“I fear that it would have been a distinct possibility, sir.”

“Well, hooray for us, then, I say. We’ve managed to avoid a dismal fate indeed, my good man. We shall do this the sensible way then—find us an orphanage, and tomorrow we’ll toddle ‘round and get a good look at the little fellows. That is, if you plan on coming along?”

Jeeves’s left eyebrow rose minutely. He did not even attempt to answer my question—after all, while the feudal spirit runs strong through him, there is no need for formality when one is in the presence of one’s beloved. His meaning, however, was loud and clear: if he felt so strongly about policing even the smallest details of the Wooster wardrobe, he certainly wasn’t about to let me pick Wooster Jr. on my own! He clearly considered me capable of coming back home with a child the likes of which would make the Edwins and Seaburys of the world pale in comparison. Now, in my younger days, I might have taken offence at my valet’s not so subtle attitude in re. the young master’s discernment, but I know better now: you see, I can be a bit of a chump sometimes, and Jeeves’s reservation were not altogether unfounded, and between him and I, I was sure that we could find the perfect specimen, an heir to put every other young stripling to shame.

“Right ho, Jeeves!” I thus exclaimed. “Start looking—I am eager to examine the selection, what?”

“So am I, sir.” Smiled the peerless wonder that is my man. And, for the remainder of the evening, we spoke no more of it—nor of much else.


End file.
